And Another Thing: The Mop-Up Nitro (Part II) 09.24.02
Posted by Hyatte on 09.24.2002
The Retrospective Continues... and the Douchebag hits his stride
This second section is where the real shit went down. In here, I kept getting worse and
worse until Scoops had to edit me down so hard that I bailed over to ScoopThis.
Evidence of the mighty Scoops edit is apparent by my frequent use of the word “arse” and
the myriad of alternatives to the word “bitch”. Without those creative edits, the column
would have been filled with “xxxx”s
Probably my best stuff is in here.
The Second Installment of the Raw Retrospective
WASTING MY LIFE!!! (2)
-David Flair came out, looking whiter than Larry Zbyszko after seeing how much his third wife wanted for alimony payments.
-I SWEAR...WCW would sell their souls to Dillenger if he could make us all think that there was no such thing as wrestling before Goldberg came around.
-It’s a clip showing all the fun to be had at the pre-Nitro party held in MY hometown (sort of) Providence R.I....Brown University......one day, I’ll tell you about the time I woke up in a Brown dorm room wearing nothing but one sock, a nipple ring, smeared lipstick, and a sticky condom.........I was too afraid to see who was sleeping next to me..but when I saw that Priest collar on the nightstand.....I ran like HELL
-Konan is at Brown and goes into his hip-hop dialogue.....The Rhode Islanders are mortified....there are no Hispanics in Rhode Island...we bussed them all to Boston.
-call me crazy...but so far there has been NO Schiavone....NO Tenay....NO Zbyszko.....NO opening squashes....NO Okerlund interviews.....NO Bischoff.......NO wrestling at ALL.....Hell, we haven’t even seen the inside of the building yet......this is shaping up to be the BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Funny bit....when Flair talked about that blonde he met twenty years ago....Nash piped in, “Yeah! Buddy Landell!!”....then Hogan retorted, “Or Buddy Rose!!” I was giggling like a schoolgirl feeling her newly developed boobies rub against her sweater......
-Speaking of Buddy Rose...I read somewhere that he is now labeled a “deadbeat dad”.....YOU GO BOYEEEE!!! KEEP ON RUNNING!!!!! NO GOOD BRAT DOESN’T DESERVE YOUR ATTENTION!!!!!!! AND WHY DOES HE LOOK MORE LIKE DOUG SOMERS THAN YOU????
-there are no JEWS in Rhode Island either...we ship them all to Africa......(we didn’t know where else to send them!! New York didn’t want them!)
-This very strange Nitro continued with Hogan, Nash, and David Flair's mystery girl eating dinner at a restaurant.....Hogan looks to the chick and says, “I thought you ordered the steak?
-Girl, “I did!”...she was breathing rapidly..almost panting
-Hogan, “Then why do I smell tuna?”
-Nash said, “Oops, excuse me.” and takes his hand from out under the table...the Girl started to breath normally again,
-David told Goldberg to “suck it”......now we know what the Flair family watches on Mondays
-I said this once....and by Christ, I’ll say it again......I DO NOT WANT GODDAM HAMMER IN MY LIFE!!!!! I DON’T WANT HIM ON MY TV, IN MY HOUSE..AND I SURE AS GODDAM HELL DON’T WANT TO GODDAM SEE GODDAM VAN HAMMER IN THE THIRD GODDAM HOUR OF THIS GODDAM NITRO GODDAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Jesus Christ...who is this guy blowing?
-10 seconds into this match Nash asked the question, “Why does Flair where his kneepads BELOW his knees?” It is a question that has plagued mankind for 30 years...of course, Tony had no answers.
-Hey guys..if you run over Goldberg with your Mazda.....and he doesn’t even budge...don’t worry, he is hurting..it’s just that he refuses to SELL THAT MOVE....WHY DON’T YOU SELL A MOVE FOR ONCE YOU BIG, STUPID AUSTIN WANNABE!!!!!!!
-Gee, the Horsemen getting beaten up badly in the Bischoff Era?? Who saw THAT one coming???
-Tony starts talking about Scott Steiner’s current angle....and paints Kimberly as Pro wrestling’s version of the Virgin Mother...(does that mean she gave birth to Goldberg?)
-Fit Finlay came to the ring, he was screaming, “AHHG, For 12 pounds I’ll bomb ye bloody children back to the bleedin’ cornfields ya bloomin’ carpet shagger!!!”. Then he guzzled a pint of Guinness.
-We were back to the match......The white man lost.....man...that’s REVERSE DISCRIMINATION!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO OFFENDED IN MY LIFE!!!!!!!!
-Flair said that “Hall, Nash, Mongo, Flair” will “burn Buffalo down tonight”.......UNDER 269 FEET OF SNOW??????? OH I DON’T THINK SO!!!!!
-THEN Tony, in his usual douchyness, said, “ALL the stars want to be live at WCW Nitro!!!”......this “Will Sasso” is a STAR?????
-Oh yeah, it’s a double elimination tournament.......thank GOD for double elimination tournaments....without them, Stallone would have NEVER won that Arm Wrestling Tourney, won the big rig, and earned the love and respect of his son!!! (Suddenly, I have this dire urge to play a Sammy Hagar cassette....ooops, the urge just vanished)
-Join us next week as John Ritter guest stars as a bumbling klutz accidentally gets handcuffed to Bischoff during an Ernest Miller karate class....hilarity ensues.
-Bigelow reminded Goldberg that he was “Extreme” and he was also the “Beast from the East” (Yeah, well Goldberg is the “True Jew from Husker Du”.......so there)
-The Oriental girl blew us a kiss......that was nice of her....but I’ll still burn down her village if the Sarge orders me too.
-I....I....I don’t know who to root for.......do I root for Miller, the loser who was there only because he taught his boss’s son how to do the “kata” or do I root for Vincent, the loser who, even though he’s been in the business for 12 years or so, has never bothered to improve on his skills and try to become something other than a glorified valet?
-I know...I’ll root for the good old fast forward button.......GO FF, GO FF, GO FF
-Kimberly is loaded up and taken away in an ambulance.....of course, this takes a year to do. Tony calls this the “most brutal thing that has ever been witnessed in the history of televised entertainment television”, then states that this “puts a very dark, very sad asterisk on this...the BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Goofus is delighted in the realism and the viciousness of the whole segment.
-Gallant is horrified by the sheer brutality and the horrific nature of the event.
-Goofus cheers the treatment of the stank Ho...if she just gave Steiner the hum job he wanted, none of this would have happened.
-Gallant points out that Kimberly is a human being with the God given right to choose whom she wants to “hum” and whom she doesn’t.
-Goofus laughs at the whole thing, saying it’s payback for years of watching Kimberly direct those Nitro Girls to clumsily bump into each other and waste our time.
-Gallant states that Kimberly is a “performance artist” and should be given a raise for her hard work and perseverance.
-Goofus calls Gallant a faggot and anally rapes him with a garden weasel.....such an undisciplined lad.
-Before the bell rang, Piper grabbed the mic and had barely enough time to show that he was still one hip cat by making a reference to Michael Jackson’s penchant for wearing one glove
-of course the camera has a pecker...it’s called the microphone....I have a mic too...talk into it and see what happens.
-opens with Eric Bischoff as a Chauffeur this week...he’s slated to drive Flair and a group of guys around tonight. Bischoff’s doing an “inner monologue” which helps his thespian training explore the deeper recesses of his character and really get into his scene.....
-basically, he was talking to himself.
-The Nitro Girls encourage us to move our feet.....I’m encouraged to move my hand and reach for the remote control.
-Hey, this is the FIRST MATCH IN THE HISTORY OF TELEVISED WRESTLING that had a Limey, a Dago, a Mick, and a Canuck in the same ring? At least that’s what Al Isaacs told me over the phone the other day!! He so crazy!
-Will Sasso is one FAT dude.....say, what has Sean Shannon been up to since I kicked him off the web anyway?
-I want Tony’s nuts black and blue and covered with footprints.....do it and I’ll buy you are car. I’m serious.
-Scott Norton is back from Japan and runs into Vincent...who happily tells him that Hogan has decided that HE (Vincent) will run the NWO B team.....Norton is cool with it...Norton’s Tongue demanded a recount.
-You know, I really find this amazing.....Van Hammer didn’t work as a “Rock and Roller”...he didn’t work as a member of the Flock...he didn’t work out as the face who helped Juventud Guererra with the Flock....and he CERTAINLY isn’t working as a 60’s hippie.......why is he still being paid? SOMEONE TELL ME???
-The word ”hooches” was edited during the LIVE Nitro...but let go for the REPLAY... does TNT hire nothing BUT inbreds?
-The fans chanted Goldberg...Heenan wanted to place a bet that MILLIONS of people all over the world are chanting “Goldberg” right smack dab in the middle of their living rooms..........
-I...I...I think I’m going to cry......Bobby Heenan that we all remembered has officially DIED!!! This new.....shell of a man is currently working in his steed......in his body....WHO IS HE AND WHERE HAS HE BURIED THE REAL BRAIN?!?!?!?!!?
-why am I yelling?
-video package detailing the story of the breakup between Steiner and Bagwell...I hear Harvey Firestein optioned the Broadway rights? Directed by Tommy Tune, Scored by Elton John.....Starring Liza Minelli as Judy Bagwell and Jm J Bullock as Eric Bischoff
-Footage of the contest to crown “MR & MS WCW MONDAY NITRO” True to life, the person who placed SECOND was declared the winner....nyuck, nyuck, nyuck
-Hogan called her the 8th Wonder of the World...WHY DON’T YOU JUST PISS ON ANDRE’S GRAVE RIGHT ON LIVE TV AND BE DONE WITH IT YOU UNGRATEFULL PIECE OF HORSE PEE FILLED CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-and here comes the Jew...okay...one more time..with feeling.....*deep breath*
-Goldberg spotted a young man on the ground on the other side of the pool....without even HESITATING....Goldberg lept over the railing and ran ON THE WATER over to the young lad......he got over to him and kneeled down. The boy was visibly drunk...and was almost catatonic it was ALCOHOL POISENING!!!!!...Goldberg quickly placed his hands ON THE BOY’S STOMACH.....face ticks..a glow....all the usual silliness.....suddenly, the boy’s body REJECTED ALL THE BOOZE IN HIS SYSTEM AND VOMITED IT ALL OUT LIKE A PROJECTILE!!!!!!!! GOLDBERG HAD SAVED A LIFE AND PERFORMED ANOTHER MIRACLE!!!!!!! Heenan had a religious movement.....Tony had a bowel movement....IN THE TOWEN OF DECADENCE AND YOUNG SEX, GOLDBERG SPREADS THE WORD OF PEACE AND LOVE ONCE AGAIN!!!!!!
-Unfortunately, the projectile vomit projectiled all over the big guy.....he screamed, “OY VEY!!!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IT COSTS TO DRY CLEAN THESE TIGHTS????”........Then hurled the lad in the pool.....then pissed in the pool......the pool boiled and turned into acid and the kid melted in front of everyone. Those damn college kids cheered.....the heathens.
-What’s the moral of the story? Never force a Hebrew to spend unnecessary money......and watch RAW for God’s sakes...what’s the matter with you anyway?
-Oh yeah..Goldberg beat Hak too...then spent the rest of the night Baptizing converts in the other pool......Tony took two dunks....he is that loyal
-Horace took on Vincent in the third hour......rather than watch this mess, I will scratch my nuts in ecstasy for 5 minutes. oooh, ah... aaaahhh... ooohhh..... mmmmm..... hhhhhh...... yeeeah......ooooh.....
-Rey offered his hand......Flair went to take it, then lifted it up away...HEY, THAT’S MY MOVE!!!! I CALL IT THE LEG SPREADER!!!!!!!! (because, obviously, once the chicks see Hyatte slick that one off....they automatically open dem babies UP.....BOOYAA MOTHA EFF-AAA)
-Arn clotheslined Mysterio......I heard that his lung collapsed afterwards.
-Scott Norton took on Rick Steiner. It’s a classic slugfest between two inherent brawlers with MORE than enough mat skills to make this a bloody fine row......were it not that they were also slower than Freddie Blassie’s bowel movements
-Flair chopped at Hogan...Hogan no sold them...Tenay screamed as if he never saw Hogan do that before....but Tenay was drunk.
-Tony Schiavone and Bobby “The Brain” Heenan welcomed us to ANOTHER NEW DAY OF NITRO!!!!! Last week was just a test run....THIS week is where the NEW NITRO DAWNS UPONS US!!!!!
-Tony still has that haircut, complete with the hanging bangs over his brow...but now his hair is greased up......and his skin has gone from being pasty to being pasty AND shiny...he also still has the leather jacket. Next week, phase THREE of “Operation: Make Tony 90’s Cool” comes into play.....he’ll wear a white t-shirt with grease smudge marks.
-And in TWO weeks....look out....the Ducktail is coming
-And in THREE weeks...Tony will start to incorporate the phrase “Sit on it” in the telecasts.
-Juventud Guerrera came to the ring. He looked DIRECTLY in the camera and said, “WHO’S GONNA GET THE DAGOS?????” (Whaa? What does he have against the Italians? What did they do to him? Well, at least he’s not after the Jews anymore...thank GOD!!! Poor Jews.)
-Tony blatantly sells SURGE soda (or as I like to call it....”Carbonated Piss with a Hint of Lime”) as he sets up a Bret Hart videotape. Hey kids...drink Surge and you too can have the body of Tony Schiavone.....
-Savage wanted to “lay the smack down right now”......watch, in a month he’ll claim that he coined the phrase.
-Savage called himself the “Universal Heartthrob” (ripping off Austin Idol), the “Big Show Stopper” (ripping off both Paul Wight AND Shawn Michaels, and the “Cock of the Walk” (ripping off Pat Patterson).
-Meanwhile, “Gorgeous George” can’t seem to chew her gum with her mouth closed....just something to think about
-Anywhoo...Goldberg came out..and once he got past the smoke..he saw something on the side of the aisle. He lumbered over to a girl in her 20’s cradling something gently in her arms. He peered in and noticed that she was holding a SPOTTED OWL INDIGENOUS TO THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST AND CURRENTLY ON THE ENDAGERED SPECIES LIST! Being the animal lover that WCW Marketing would have us all believe, the big Monkey asked the girl what was wrong with her feathered friend. The girl told him that the Owl was suffering from a broken wing and will die of blood poisoning if it isn’t treated within the next 60 seconds. Goldberg’s eyes widened and he RIPPED the bird out of the girls hands. He held it in his beefy hands and started to shake....a warm glow emitted from his hands....facial ticks erupted by the millions....his mouth gaped open as if he was laughing at all logic and the laws of science....with a sudden JOLT, he THREW the Owl up in the air and it took flight..it’s wing FULLY HEALED....it’s life MIRACULOUSLY SAVED!!!!!!!!!!
-The girl screamed, “IT’S A MIRACLE STRAIGHT FROM HEAVEN!!!!!! IT’S A MIRACLE STRAIGHT FROM GOD!!!!!!! IT’S A MIRACLE STRAIHGHT FROM THIS ONE NOTE JEW!!!!!! OH THANK YOU MR. GOLDBERG!!!!! PRAISE YOU MR. GOLDBERG!!!!!! I LOVE YOU MR. GOLDBERG!!!!!!!! The girl threw her arms around Goldberg and hugged tightly...Goldberg smiled. Another life saved..another job, well done.
-Then the Owl circled around and airbombed a hunk of shit on Goldberg’s bald head. Goldberg stared up..snarled..and spit a fireball at the damn thing. The Owl’s head blew off and it thumped onto the ground in a fiery mess. Later, I heard it was the main course at a Post Nitro Tailgate party. Stupid bird.
-The good or bad news is that Tony finally lost it and called him “GODBERG”....I am not kidding...this is no joke..he called him GODBERG. I want his daughter...I want her teeth. I want her toenails....I WANT HER TO PAY FOR HER FATHER BEING SUCH A GODDAM PIECE OF SHIT!!!!!!!!!!
-Piper commented that the way Page BLATANTLY tried to kill Hogan’s career was just plain WRONG.....apparently, forgetting about the time he drove the end of a steel chair into Jimmy Snuka’s neck.....twice.
-Wait a second...MY phone is ringing.....hang on
-Hello? Yes? Oh....Hi Mr. Shannon....could you call back later, now isn’t a good ti...what? You did what? Where? Oh jeeze..no sir...first you have to take the condom OUT of the wrapper...no, it doesn’t work if you just shake it over her...no, it’s not voodoo......yes, now roll it on your....there you go.....yes, yes. I know the sensation is subdued with it on....well you don’t want another accident like Sean do you? Right...I know he’s a fat stuttering freak....yes, I’m sure you are ashamed of him, ..right..now slip it in her....there you go......push in and pull out now...a little in...a little out...there you go...what? She’s saying what?..PULL OUT MR SHANNON..PULL OUT..THAT’S THE WRONG HOLE!!!!! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS WITH YOU? What.....calm down...caaaaalm down..now YOU’RE stuttering......shush...shhhhh....just try it again.....no..the one ABOVE the brown hol....just look for the triangle Mr Shannon...let the triangle point the way home...that’s it, attaboy.....go get her Mr. S! Okay...okay....I’m sure the check will be in the mail tomorrow.....goodbye stud...attaboy!
-whew....the things I do to help my fellow man.....sigh
-You know the saddest thing about Tony Schiavone? It’s that he actually ALLOWED himself to be “re-tooled”. He didn’t have the balls to stand up to Bischoff and say, “Just let me call the match without the endless plugs...just let me be me!” No, he had to let someone go over his appearance with a fine tooth comb and re-make him into a “hip” broadcaster......what a loser.
-Unfortunately, I may have to withdraw the Bounty on Tony’s head.....as well as his daughter’s toenails.....if last week told us anything..it told us that some people take things a bit TOO far. So, let me make it official....there is NO BOUNTY on Tony’s head!!! NO reward of a $100 if you beat him up and NO blowjob from me if you produce his teeth. Same thing goes with his daughter too.
-You CAN dumb a cup of soda and/or beer on his head...I’ll give you a quick handjob if you pull that off!!
-By the way, whoever was responsible for re-making Tony apparently decided to have him NOT wash his hair.....they want Tony to go for the greasy “grunge” look....
-Nash had the mic and says the same thing he says EVERY WEEK when he first opens his mouth.....”You KNOW!!”
-You’ve heard of “Comic Logic”? Where Reed Richards can cobble up a Time Machine out of a deck of cards, a roll of pennies, and his ear wax?
-You’ve heard of “Porn Logic”? Where Chasey Lane will offer a 15 minute sex session to the grubby pizza delivery boy instead of paying him the $8?
-You’ve heard of “Internet Logic”? Where Sean Shannon thinks that his opinions actually means anything to anyone?
-Well, Nash is about to give us an example of “Booker Logic”.....to wit..
-Nash is mad...he was promised a title shot. The bad news is that Robinson just gave the next shot to Goldberg for later tonight....so, Nash challenged Sting, Goldberg, and PAGE to step into the ring tonight and have a four way dance for the world belt....THAT is called “Booker Logic”...otherwise known as “Ratings Desperation”.
-DJ Razzy Rad asked the Iowa crowd to make some noise if they thought Nash could beat Page tonight.....the crowd was too busy showing their children what a real black person looks like in the flesh. (“But Daddy, he don’t look nothin’ like Bill Cosby??”)
-Tenay announced that Bret Hart will be on the Leno show tonight (Monday).....I don’t give a shit...Leno could have Christ himself on the show and I wouldn’t watch. (So tell me Jesus.....how painful was it on that Cross huh? And how about that Thorn crown, boy, those Romans knew how to really “stick” it to you!” BA DUM DUMM!! We’ll have more with our Lord and Savior, right after we run another “Iron Jay” bit!)
-Bob Ryder said that David Flair might be the “future of this sport”....years from now....people will be speculating...nay....ARGUING over when Bob officially sold his soul out for a few shekels. I stand before you good people..and say that TODAY...May 15, 1999....in Bob’s “Notes from Bob” article....is the day Mr. Ryder....officially.......sold his soul to WCW. Now, a moment...of silent prayer...............
-R.I.P Bob....sniff
-DJ Raid (Kills white folks...dead...then takes their wallets) says "yeah yeah" about 9 times then asks where the "rowdiest people in the Astrodome are"? My guess would be over at the refund desk, demanding their money back.
-My God All Mighty.....Eddie Guerrero got PASTY!!!!! His hair got all LIMP!!!!!! And he gained about 50 POUNDS!!!!!!! WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?? WHY DID HE LET HIMSELF GO LIKE THA.....
-Oh...wait....the camera just flashed back to Tony Schiavone.....my bad.
-They showed pictures of the car that Eddie wrecked. We know it's his car because of the Taco Bell wrappers on the dash board.
-Meanwhile, Chastity was busy putting on a little "show" with Hak's Singapore Stick for the ringside fans.....so far she had 30 $1 bills hanging from various parts of her outfit....My God.....half that stick suddenly vanished...
-Chastity went over to the announcer's table...Eddie tried to pay her in pesos......Chastity told him that it takes real American dinero to see her taco......Tony was busy signing over the deed to his house.
-Konnan wanted to "Ph.D. the strawberries who wanted to flex on the mic".....you know....I never really seriously considered shooting myself in the face...until now.
-Tony called Piper and Flair two of the "MOST ESTABLISHED SUPERSTARS IN THE HISTORY OF THIS SPORT!!!!"...which is his way of admitting that they were alive when Atlantis was still above Sea Level.
-One of the Nitro Girls got a solo spot...then another one got her spot..then two more...Heenan called them the "best looking ladies in the world"...this is coming from the man who gave us the "Oinkettes". ("The Bobby Heenan Show"...man..that was a CLASSIC...my favorite part was whenever the camera went on him, no matter WHAT he was doing, he'd always find the camera and stare into it.)
-A sign for Owen Hart is shown.....Tony and Bischoff speak very seriously about what a swell guy Eric was to Bret during this tragedy. Then Eric made a remark about how he personally tested Sting's dropping apparatus before every stunt during his rafter days...because unlike that "other promoter", he ALWAYS puts his well being in front of his athletes!!!
-Then he bragged about how he gave one of his kidneys to "Gentleman" Chris Adams....just in case he needed it.
-Tony sat back and listened as Bischoff talked up Tank Abbott. It was a solid 2 minute lecture on how Abbott could butt rape Ken Shamrock AND Dan Severn at the same time.
-Saturn came out alone...he screamed to the camera, "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT???" (uhh...right now? Probably RAW).
-Thank GOD for Nash...because without him, I don't think I could even stand Nitro anymore.
-Sting came out.....I blame HIM for Owen's death....he made it look so EASY!!!!!
-Steiner used athletic tape to bind Sting's hands to the top rope, then proceeded to kick the crap out of him.....I heard Steiner yell, "A-Hole!! You wife told my wife about that stripper in Orlando!!!! I'VE BEEN SLEEPING ON THE COUCH FOR 4 MONTHS!!!!!"...
-Then he yelled, "HEY MR BORN AGAIN CHRISTIAN!!! (kick) REMEMBER THE 11 COMMANDEMNT? (kick, kick) THOU (kick) SHALL (kick) NOT (kick) RAT ON (kick kick kick) THOU FRIENDS!!! (kick kick kick kick)"
-Then Steiner yelled, "SINCE YOU FOUND GOD, MAYBE GOD CAN HELP YOU FIND YOUR NUTS???" (Then he kicked Sting in the jimmies so hard they flew out of his body and into the seats) "HAVE GOD FIND THOSE FOR YOU, YA MOUTHY LITTLE TATTLETALE!!!!!"
-can I still say "Jesus"? How about "Christ"? Can I combine the two? I LOST THE SCOOPS HANDBOOK!!!!! I DON’T KNOW WHAT I CAN SAY ANYMORE!!!!!
-God...I can stare at those breasts for hours......Okerlund has quite the set.
-Uhh...Benoit...could you maybe take off the Owen shirt....it wouldn’t be appropriate if Bret started chopping at a picture of his Brother....
-Heenan quipped about the guys who say that Luger is not so tough. The “400 pound guy who never leaves his sofa! 5 feet 8 inches tall, who has job where he puts his name on one pocket and the store’s name on the other”
-Tony added, “and still lives with his Mom!”
-Heenan finished, “Yeah and he wears one brown sock and a white sock on his feet!”
-I only bring this up because...well...why take a shot at Wrestleline’s ECW recapper Sean Shannon? Hasn’t he been through enough?
-The show ends with Sid standing over his compacted car and screaming “WHY ME???? WHY MEEEEEEEEE???” Oddly enough, I didn’t see any signs of Jeff Gillooly or a metal pipe.
-That’s it for me. Now, I can hand this in.....wait a few hours...and see how much of my beloved Mop-Up was “xxxxxxxx”ed out....ahh, the party never stops here at SCOOPSCENTRAL.
-The trunk pops open.....there’s something inside.... My God..IT’S GORILLA MONSOON’S BODY!!!!!!!! THEY ARE GOING TO HOLD THE FUNERAL ON WCW TELEVISION!!! IT’S A RATINGS STUNT THE LIKES OF WHICH HAVE NEVER BEEN SEEN!!!!!!
-WCW Symbol: And in the Middle East, a child was born as the Sun set in the east.
-Tony Schiavone is there to advice us to get ready for MORE HISTORY OF MONDAY NITRO!!!!!!! (Today’s Lecture: The Day the Ratings Died)
-They are in Biloxi, Mississippi. I wonder how many writers thank GOD for that bouncing ball and that little song when spelling the name of this state?
-Geeze...this was a good match? Are ALL Nitro matches this good? (I’m an award winning recapper....heh heh heh.)
-OKAY!!! I AM A 29 YEAR OLD VIRGIN!!!!! HAPPY NOW???? THE SECRET IS OUT!!!!! YOU GOT ME!!!!!! THAT DOES NOT MAKE ME ANY LESS COOLER DAMMIT...IT DOES NOT!!!!!!!
-I was thinking about giving MYSELF a nickname..something that reflects the state of Wrestling today. Something, hot, hip, HERE. Something to REALLY get me over and make me look cool.
-*snap* EUREKA....I got it! From now on, I shall be known as “HY2K”!!
-..................................................
-..er.....excuse me...I have to go look for my nuts now....I seem to have lost them.
-Okay...found them.....they were in my Barbie Funhouse for some reason....underneath the Ken guest bed.
-Meng came out wearing Joey Buttafuco pants. It won’t be that cute once some high schooler shoots his wife in the HEAD!!!! (Unless Meng’s wife is Samoan..then the Bullet will bounce clean off.)
-Just once, I’d like to see someone NOT LET Konan “speak on this”.
-Scott Hall and Kevin Nash came out and made their way to their front row seats. For no reason that I can come up with, Hall was wearing a L.A Kings hockey jersey. He AIN’T from L.A....this AIN’T L.A. and this AIN’T Hockey season. Plus, the Kings suck.
-Plus..Hockey is a CANADIAN sport. For God’s sakes
-Plus, hockey sucks. I never met a Hockey Player that I couldn’t beat the snot out of.
-And here come the letters.
-Nash was wearing a FUBU t-shirt. Nash is a 38 year old man.
-The Dark Yne was with some Security Minions at the big guy’s door. He was busy drawing a pentagram on his door and writing some UnHoly scripture while chanting something....err...even unHolier. This was it...Dillenger couldn’t wait....DILLENGER IS GOING TO TRAP GOLDBERG IN THE SACRED CHASM OF FEAR AND TAKE HIM OUT OF THE EQUATION!!!!! WITH GOLDBERG OUT OF THE WAY..NOTHING CAN STOP THE ANTICHRIST...NOTH...
-Goldberg WHIPPED the door open and stormed out. Dillenger angrily snapped his fingers and muttered, “Curses...foiled AGAIN!!!!”...then wiped off the drawings. There will be another chance...oh yes..there will be another time.
-Sid is with three men. Everyone is dressed in 3 piece suits. Sid looks about as comfortable as a reformed pedofile at a Backstreet Boys concert.
-He introduces himself and Bobby....THE BRAIN.....Heenan. Heenan publicly wished that someone else had died last week so he could steal the show once again with a bittersweet eulogy. Maybe he’ll get lucky and Mr. Fuji will run himself through with a Samurai Sword this week?
-Hey, I’ve been lied to as well....LOTS of times....“Sweetie, it happens all the time”.... “Honey, it doesn’t make you any less of a man”, “Of course it’s yours, I don’t sleep around”, “You were adopted”, “Hold still, this is how ALL the good little16 year olds get their temperature taken”, “If you can’t take a shower with your Priest, then who CAN you take your shower with?”...oh yes...I heard them all.
-Heenan ran down the rules to a NEW YORK Evening Gown match....the winner is stripped down to her skivvies then is sent off to spend the night in Central Park....and not the good part of the Park either. The loser has to marry Zbyszco (I forgot how it’s spelled) and spend their honeymoon polishing his Golfclubs with her “special wax”.
-Then Heenan and Tony try to high five each other...but miss......sigh...Elton John saw that move and loudly said, “Damn, those blokes are WHITE!”
-Goldberg steps out....AHA!!!!!! GOLDBERG IS GOOD, SO THE LIMO IS WHITE!!!! SID IS EVIL...SO THE LIMO IS BLACK!!!!!! IT IS SO CLEAR NOW!!! BRAVO MSSRS. RUSSO AND FERRERA....BRAV....FRIGGIN’.....OOOO.
-Tony orders us to snap into a Slim Jim right now.....because if your heart gets clogged up and you drop dead...how can you flip to RAW? Ratings will SKYROCKET!!!
-Camera has no problem showing off a “WWF SUXX” sign. Is there ANYTHING mature about this dumb sport? Or is EVERYTHING petty and childish? I ABHOR such nugatory tripe...
-WRESTLELINE SUXX!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Mike Tenay asks Madusa how it feels to be a part of an evening gown match. Madusa responds by asking Tenay “How it feels to be standing in a women’s locker room”....suddenly, BOTH of Tenay’s hands are holding something narrow.
-Madusa didn’t throw the WWF’s Women’s title in the trash just so she can be subjected to these gratuitous displays of T & A...she is a WORKER DAMMIT!!!! She is there to CLIMB THE LADDER THE GOOD OLD FASHION WAY!!!!!
-In short, screw the Evening Gown Match......she’ll just stick to blowing every promoter on two feet...(and those in wheelchairs too)
-commercials: I for one, can not WAIT to see “The Bone Collector”...it’s bloody well about TIME Patterson’s life story be told on film.
-Harlem Heat came out. Stevie Ray looked into the camera with a crazy gleem in his eyes....I threw my credit cards at my TV screen. (Well..a card....my only card.....ATM....I have $10 in the bank...and I’m the most popular columnist on the Web.)
-If you send me the teeth of Tony’s child.....I will give you $100 and a blow job. THAT’S IT!!!! I AM RE-INSTATING THE BOUNTY!!!!! THE HELL WITH THIS “COLUMBINE SENSITIVITY”.....THE BOUNTY IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!
-That’s right..I will FELLATE you...male or female (preferably female...just no fat chicks...my name ain’t “Spiffy”)
-Flair has been doing this for almost 30 YEARS? Whoa. Bob Ryder was just having his first grandson 30 years ago!.
-Tony called him a “MACHINE!!! A DESTRUCTIVE FORCE!!!!” I’d like to stick a destructive force UP TONY’S ASSHOLE!!!!!!
-Goldberg went for the spear....Luger dodge....Goldberg flew into the corner post. Tony demanded that Luger be made president of Mensa
-Sting offered Dillon a shot to come on out to the ring, before he goes out looking for him....(and if he does, he’s bringing his Bible with him....GET OUT THERE JJ...NOW!!!!!!!)
-JJ took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes....much like I do every Monday ‘round this time.
-Cut to Schiavone and Heenan. Now Tony was in a three piece suit.....his hair neatly combed.....2 months ago he was “Generation X Tony” with his hair grown and greased out and the “trendy” leather jackets and black pants.....now he’s “Yuppie Businessman Tony” ...of course..he’ll always be “Douchebag Tony” to us
-Tony announced that Goldberg will fight Bret Hart for the US title AND the Tourney advancement tonight.....Heenan advised us draw up a Last Will and Testament and request that TNT be played round the clock in our house for at least a full YEAR after we die...this match is THAT important.
-Los Lobos Animales (and that....Kidman fellow) came out. Torrie is in a bathing suit just big enough to NOT be called a bikini.... AT 8:00 O’CLOCK??????? WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN DAMMIT!!!!! WHY ISN’T RYDER BURNING UP THE INTERNET WITH HIS OUTRAGE?????????????
-Kidman got on the mic....try as he might..it is impossible for him to act tough. He looks like the Jewish Howdy Doody
-well...he does.
-Rey Rey and Konan had stuff to say.....nobody cares
-Lex Luger and Elizabeth come out. I wonder what he’s up to?
-Well...I’m not really WONDERING....couldn’t care any less in fact.....
-In fact...I’m skipping this....C-YA!!!!!
-Buff Bagwell comes to the ring. The camera shows a boy wearing a Buff T-shirt. (Memo to that boy’s father: HOOKERS, HOOKERS, AND MORE HOOKERS!!!! HURRY, BEFORE HE STARTS PAINTING HIS NAILS AND WHISTLING SHOWTUNES!!!!!!)
-Heenan claimed to have “seen this split coming a mile away”...Tony admonished him by saying, “Don’t put yourself over like that, no one saw this coming!” Funny words, coming from a guy who HAS NEVER BEEN PUT OVER A DAY IN HIS LIFE!!!!!! THE WORLD WANTS TO SEE TONY SCHIAVONE DEAD!!!! DO YOU HEAR ME!!!! WE WANT YOU TO DIE OF PENIAL CANCER!!!!!!!!!! DIE, DIE, DIE YOU FAT PIECE OF JELLO!!!!!
-WHERE IS HIS DAUGHTER’S TEETH?????? WHY HAVE I NOT BEEN PRESENTED WITH THEM YET?????????????? $100 BUCKS AND THE BEST BLOWJOB YOU'LL EVER GET!!!! HOW CAN YOU RESIST?????
-Tony sez Goldberg is somewhere in here and waiting for Bret Hart.....Tony also wondered is Goldberg will heal Bret’s leg so he can wrestle at full force. Heenan was seen swallowing a fistful of Zoloft.
-Brian Knobbs comes to the ring with Jimmy Hart and Hugh Morrus. This show is officially longer than the OJ Trial
-Hey kids..now you can subscribe to the WCW Magazine and get it delivered to your home. Order now and receive an audio tape of Tony Schiavone discussing the magazine’s cover story as you read the opening columns.
-GB wants to whip Bret...Bret won’t allow it...so GB clotheslines him. Goldberg screams, “YOUR BROTHER IS BURING IN HELL!!!!!!” (My GOD!!! IT’S A SHOOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
-Bret gets him in a corner and starts to punch. Goldberg ain’t selling anything....Bret sighs deeply and screams, “THAT HBK FAGGOT WAS MORE PROFESSIONAL!!!!!”
-Bret Hart comes to the ring on crutches. He has something to say. First off, he did NOT build his reputation by “screwing people”....(with Sunny being the obvious exception)
-We are expected to believe that Saturn held her hostage for a FULL week (trust me..having women around is NOT Saturn’s....err... "thing")
-My God...Berlyn is whiter than Al Isaacs on “Def Comedy Jam”
-Douglas got on the mic and announced that the Revolution WILL change the world... then broke out in a Mambo...
-commercials....see Burt Reynolds as YOU NEVER SEEN HIM BEFORE!!!! As a cop who plays by his OWN rules.
-Rey Mysterio has a shirt out. If you buy it...I will personally rape your arse with a sledgehammer. This is a PROMISE.
-back to Tony and Bobby. Tony had his chin in his hand in a pose normally reserved for professional headshots of G-rated Comedians (Harry Anderson, Paul Reiser, Jack Benny)
-Tony got “serious” for a moment...okay kids, we are SHOOTING NOW...because Heels are only heels in CHARACTER...in real life, they are as gentle as Kiddie Porn Makers
-So...Tony addresses Scott Steiner's recent back problems...and how he is fresh off surgery.....then introduces a DRAMATIC, UNSCRIPTED, STRAIGHT FROM THE HIP, TEARJERKING INTERVIEW WITH SCOTT STEINER!!!!!
-By Larry Zbyszko. Anyone else think the subject of Women might come up?
-Larry Z talks to Scott Steiner. Scott explains how he hurt his back and how it caused him severe pain.
-Larry says, “You talk about severe pain, Scott, I remember once when my second Ex ran over my golf clubs with her car. Then she set all my plaid pants on fire. I had to bang her head with a frying pan 10 times before she would stop. She soaked me for $350 dollars a week for the next 25 years”
-Steiner, “Don’t talk to me about women, I haven’t had any Hooch in 4 months. The radiation from my television gets me hard now.”
-Larry, “I here you, did I ever tell you about the time my fourth Ex-wife put her own head through my TV screen just so she could call the cops and have ME put in jail for assault?”
-Steiner, “Ermm....this isn’t in the script! Don’t expect me to improvise without mispronouncing a few of the words.”
-Larry, “F**K the SCRIPT!!! I FOUGHT BRUNO IN A CAGE IN FRONT OF 24’000 IN SHEA STADIUM BEFORE PAY PER VIEW, BEFORE WRESTLEMANIA!!!!!! ALL I’VE GOT TO SHOW FOR IT IS A LOUSY JOB, A 79 CAVALIER, A BAD HAIRCUT, AND A SET OF MY FORMER BROTHER IN LAW’S GOLF CLUBS!!! I LIVE IN A FRIGGIN’ CONVERTED OUTHOUSE!! LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT PAIN!!! LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THAT DICKLESS GENDER KNOWN AS THE FEMALE SPECI......”
-Thankfully, they cut away.
-Jarrett, “This is NOT the WWF and we do NOT abuse women around here”....(Is that picture of Missy Hyatt’s exposed breast still hanging around?)
-Tony called tonight, “One of the most important nights of 1999!”.....(WHAT???? WHAT ABOUT THE NIGHT I WAS AWARDED THREE NET AWARDS??????)
-Boilermakenay, who was talking to Booker T. Booker talked up his handicapped match with the two Russo bodyguards....named “Creative Control”....also named “Patrick and Gerald”. So, which one is the Homosexual?
-spot for Goldberg’s “Target Acquired” t-shirt.....yes, buy it..wear it..and you’ll be the target of every self respecting tough guy in your High school...I hope you enjoy the blue toilet water kiddo...’cause you’ll be drinking it. (Go ahead..try to Spear them with your 75 pound skinny arse.)
-You know...I just want to feed Tony some rats and watch them eat him from the inside out.
-Torrie and Asya started to fight.....Kimberly chose simply to watch. It’s the battle of the Cinemax soft core porn stars....WHERE’S LISA BOYLE WHEN YOU NEED HER???????
-Goldberg headbutted a Surge machine and a can rolled out....then he went to Arnold’s to help Joanie show that snobby Charlene Tilton that she ain’t all that on the dance floor....even after pushing his Bike ten miles uphill to the Garage....DAMMIT JOANIE!!!! YOU SNOTTY LITTLE BIM......GOLDBERG CAN’T DANCE ALL NIGHT!!! HE JUST CAN’T!!! YOWZA....YOWZA.....NO YOWZA..JUST A CHALLENGE!!!!!!!!! Of course..Goldberg won with a last minute two step known as...“The Kasakee”...I think...I slept through Jewish Appreciation class..so I wouldn’t know.
-I haven’t seen Nash this dominated since Patterson gave Diesel a taste of the “Unleaded”
-Sign reads, 'NASH IS MY DAD'.....don't doubt it for a second.
-Bobby Heenan was wearing....well.....he looks like he should be getting arrested by Sonny Crockett for drug trafficking and smuggling Cubans into Miami
-Then we see the Maestro playing his piano....BIG mistake boys...talent like that should be saved for WORLDWIDE!!!! Don't waste him on this second-rate Nitro crap.
-Eli and Jacob Bleu are the new WCW World tag champs.....I'd put this right up there with a free OJ Simpson as one of the great tragedies of the 90's.
-Goldberg is talking to SOMEBODY in a dressing room....I'm guessing a Burning Bush. (No..not a female private part with crabs...a REAL Burning Bush.)
-Vodka Gimletenay talks to Meng. Meng, 'Meng is no fool, he buys WWFE stock at 14 and sell at 25. Meng now can buy Cable TV. Meng can now see what RAW does. Meng likes Cinemax at night. Meng feel good all night long. Would you like to touch Meng?"
-'arse'....sigh......I want to say 'xxxxx' again.....WILL SOMEONE PLEASE LET ME SAY 'xxxxx' AGAIN?? FOR CHRISSAKES....'xxxxx' ISN’T EVEN A DIRTY WORD ANYMORE!!!!!!! THERE IS NO GOOD REASON WHY 'xxxxx' IS NO LONGER PERMITTED ON THIS FRIGGIN’ SITE!!!!!!!
-The Maestro was lowered down on a huge platform playing his piano. Ryan Shamrock was with him. Ryan Shamrock is now called 'Symphony'. She was hired SPECIFICALLY so Russo could write an angle where someone kidnaps her so the Maestro could run around screaming 'SYMPHONY!!! SYMPHONY!!!!!'. Russo wrote that angle as a goof on all the times Vince McMahon ran around backstage and screamed 'STEPHANIE!!! STEPHANIE!!!!'. Thousands of dollars were spent just so Russo could do that. But he has no problems at all with Vince...oh no.....he just wanted to leave the company so he could spend time with his family....yeah, that’s it.
-I’d still bang Symphony Shamrock until her Internal Organs ruptured.
-UPS has a package for David Flair. Flair takes it and chases the guy away with his tire iron. In following with David’s new demented persona, logic would dictate that the package hold’s Gwyneth Paltrow’s head.
-That Nitro Girl comes out...I am told that she is 'Spice'. She’s got short hair....I HATE short hair girls. They look too much like pre-teen boys. LET IT GROW DAMMIT!!!!
-yet....pre-teen boys excite me...Hey, I’m AMERICAN!!!!
-Hacksaw hits the ring, HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
-Hacksaw goes for cheap heat by reminding us that he beat Cancer HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
-Hacksaw is an AMERICAN and will do WHATEVER IT TAKES to destroy those Revolution Communists HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
-No one seemed to mind that the Revolution are all born and raised in America HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
-Hacksaw is the total and complete opposite of 'handsome' HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
-Hacksaw is getting a push HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
-Hacksaw should be pushed off a cliff HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
-Then the lights go out...they come back on to see Hacksaw lying in the ring out cold HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
-My God....Russo just signed Hacksaw’s Cancer to a three year deal HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
-Lex is backstage looking for David Flair. David was too busy trying to convince Brad Pitt to become Wrath.
-Jarrett entered the ring and Benoit started taking control...then Jarrett took control....then Benoit took control again.....then Jarrett....Benoit....Jarrett.....Benoit......Jarrett, Jarrett, Jarrett......Benoit, Benoit, Benoit, Jarrett, Benoit, Benoit, JARRETT, BENOIT, JARRETT, JARRETT, BENOIT, BENOIT, BENOIT, JARRETT, JARRETT, BENOIT, BENOIT, JARRETT, JARRETT, JARRETT, BENOIT, JARETT.....I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!! THIS PLAY BY PLAY IS SO DAMN TOUGH!!!!!!
-Jarrett pinned Benoit and won the match...not just for himself..but for AMERICA!!!!!!!!! CANADA TAKES A CHECK IN THE LOSS COLUMN ONCE AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-A Porsche pulls up.....Porsches are GREAT babe magnets...and they also ain’t bad for escaping Killer Pimps named "Guido"
-Shane Douglas does some color commentary during the match....he blames America for the faulty microphone....I blame Taiwan
-Paul Orndorff is in Russo’s office. Russo fires him for training Midnight and making her a "thorn in his side". Orndorff protests...reminding everyone that he 'sold out more buildings than anyone in here'..(*SPITTAKE*....WHAT????????? NAME ONE!!!!!!!!!)
-Bigelow on the stick...'I AM FROM JERSEY, AND I DON’T SELL OUT!!!!!' Then he saw Lawrence Taylor sitting in the seats and automatically fell on his back. He even slapped the mat three times and made the count himself.
-Backstage, the Outsiders talk about how lame the cast from "Beverly Hills: 90210" are for being 40 year old adults acting like kids. Nash was wearing a baseball cap backwards at the time
-It’s a Chair Match and Piper is one handed. It’s like having only one butt cheek at a Gay Orgy
-I DID notice that Dillenger was wearing a jacket, covering his arms. Obviously, the Trench Veins of Dominicus have begun to form above the epidermis. The time is not yet ripe for the Dark Chylde of Satan to reveal himself. 12 days.....12 days......make your peace with God, people.
-I know this is a redundant subject but.....why is Saturn dressed like a Flaming White Muslim?
-Piper mentioned that Christmas is 'someone's birthday'. Yeah...Tom Wopat! So? What does Luke Duke have to do with any of this?
-Vampiro....he got on the mic and asked, "Donda esta las chicas blanco?" (AMEN ESE!!!). Flair attacked him, the Misfits, his legacy, and any shred of human common sense.
-Page ran out..they fought...WCW Security was there...Dillenger wasn't..he was busy chanting to the Sludge Elf, Harvenitate and cutting off his three smallest toes for sacrifice and payment.
-Goldberg was escorted out by Officials and Dillenger....Dillenger look a full foot taller and MUCH more powerful.....(Harvenitate was a generous Sledge Elf tonight)
-The big question is...will Goldberg heal ANYONE on this fine Christmas week?
-Answer:..Of course not, he's Jewish, stupid...what does he care about Christmas?
-Of course...that didn’t stop me from doing a Christmas themed Mop-Up Nitro...one which the boys at SCOOPS waited until MONDAY to post...thanks guys..you ruined whatever Christmas I MIGHT have had. Way to go..I appreciate it. It’s nice to feel so welcomed.
-See that blood smear on the Limo hood after Goldberg punched it? Don’t be alarmed...it’s normal for him to bleed from his hands and feet during the Christmas Season.....it’s called....it’s called....aw Hell..I forget...but ALL the Religious icons do it nowadays. It’s all the rage
-Me? I pee blood during the 8 days of Hanukah.....I don’t know why. During Lent I poop Mushrooms.....mine is not to question.
-Elsewhere....a car pulls up...and Sid gets out. Chris Benoit is with him. Somehow, I doubt they were discussing economic upheavals during the Industrial Revolution.
-Backstage, The NWO bi**h and moan to JJ Dillon....JJ uses the old Nazi defense and says, “I’m just following orders.”..then Bret Hart attacks him....where was Bret during World War II? We could have used him.
-Backstage, The NWO admire the NWO Monster Truck. Nash says it’s a perfect size for him, then starts having sex with the tailpipe....(oh he is such a CHILD!!!!!!!!!!!!)
-Then Chris Benoit came out...and you know HE was ON FIRE!!!! (Well...at least I knew he was ON FIRE!!!!.....because he picked up Crabs from some stripper in Calgary....and those little buggers can EAT!!!!!!!)
-Can’t Konan just die please?
-Tenay, “IT’S A POWDERKEG TONY!!!! IT’S A POWDERKEG WAITING TO EXPLODE AND WE ARE STANDING AT GROUND ZERO!!!!” Then he chugged a flask of Dewars and hit on a 14 year old girl behind him. This being Texas and all...her father dropped her pants down to allow Mike to inspect her goods.
-Tank Abbott came out.....we see the time on Thunder when he knocked down Dillenger..(of course...Dillenger needs time off too....just like Goldberg....I’VE BEEN SCREAMING ABOUT THIS FOR MONTHS PEOPLE!!!! NOW DO YOU BELIEVE ME?????? NOW DO YOU UNDERSTAND??????????????? THE GENETIC SYRUP IS PRIMED TO OIL THE WHEELS OF GUNTPA’S ENGINE...THE HOUR OF THE HATCHING IS UPON US!!! LO’ THERE BE DARK DAYS AHEAD FOR HUMANITY!!!! DARK DAYS INDEED)
-Tank took on Virgil/Vincent/CurlyBill/Shane......better watch out Tank...Virgil can still work a headlock better than ANY Backyard Federation worker!!!!!
-WCW Security showed up to tell Tank to leave....Dillenger was there...or was he?
-IMP!!! the Dark Yne has sent an IMP to keep the uniformed uninformed!!!!!! That is NOT Dillenger!!! T’is a REFLECTION!!!!!!!!!
-Man...I’ll be glad when this crap is over.
-A teary eyed Steiner (trained by that master thespian, Terrance Bollea) asked that we ALL say a prayer for him...if we can. (While your at it..say a prayer for this column....pray that it makes it online BEFORE Saturday)
-I have major Insecurities so I have to come across as a Know It All....Be on the lookout for my new column here on SCOOPS, “Ask the Hyatte”)
-Stevie Ray looked in the camera with a real cold mad dog stare...I automatically write a blank check to him, throw it at the TV screen, and crawl under my bed.
-oh yes..a great many Luchadors have been training in the Jungles....free from technology!! Free from civilization....under the Tutelage....the tutelage of a certain Global cartel that has been secluded into hiding and preparing to be a mysterious Dark Horse player in the scheme that is Global Domination of the New Y2K World.....trained by the combined forces of Villano LXVII (The Survivalist) and Villano CVXXII (El Segundo)....Wonder where they’ve been? Wonder what happened to them? WELL, ONCE THE BOUGH BREAKS AND THE CRADLE OF SOCIETY FALLS AND WE ARE ALL FORCED TO WALK UNCODDLED INTO A NEW ERA OF GANGLAND CIVILIZATION!!! YOU WILL ALL KNOW..YOU WILL ALL KNOW, DAMN YOU!
-Rey Rey knows....he knows the plans of La Familia....unfortunately, a Voodoo hex has made it impossible for him to speak.
-To you newcomers out there....that one was for the old time readers. Some are loving it....others are enjoying it...the rest are clicking over to CRZ’s lame ass recap.
-One last time...for the Hell of it.....VIVA LA VILLANOS!!! VIVA LA FAMILIA!!!!!! VIVA LA CHICAS BLANCO!!!!
-God...I HATE making "cyber" faces.....
-Hey look...here’s a WALRUS! (:=)
-Hey look...Here’s the ROCK! (<: /)
-Hey look....here’s me seeing my Mother nude for the first time! (:O)
-Hey look...here’s a really fat guy (: p)))
-Jarrett put Kidman in a sleeperhold....A SLEEPHOLD??????? OH COME ON!!!!!
-Wait..that ain’t no SLEEPERHOLD!!! That’s a WEAVERLOCK!!!!!!!!! MY GOD!!! WE HAVEN’T SEEN THAT SINCE DUSTY WAS FEUDING WITH HIRO MATSOMOTO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Oh..wait..it IS a sleeperhold.....my apologies
-Luger came out dressed like Sting....Liz came out dressed as a 25 year old...you would have to flip a coin to decide which was more offensive.
-Sid proceeded to hit Bret with some of the fakest shots I've ever seen...(well, there was that one time Z-Smooth tossed some warm yogurt across my back...so we better call this the SECOND fakest shot I've ever seen)
-Tony notes that TEAM POWER PLANT is in the building. Which one of those idiots is actually taking notes on SID'S work performance?
to be concluded next week